true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
