Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
