: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
