just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My penis needs a shock collar
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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