Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
