so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
