You can't motorboat a personality
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
