Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
