I just threw up on my dentist
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
