she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
