I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
