11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
