He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
