I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
being pregnant is like rehab
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
