omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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