When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
