i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
