Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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