It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
