I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I woke up under a house in Key West
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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