I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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