Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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