10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
she peed on how many people?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
