Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
