2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I want to fling myself into the sun
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
