saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
