Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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