I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
