I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
