What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
