apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
