I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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