Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
