I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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