I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
