Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
worst night to have a conscience
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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