at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
