I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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