i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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