i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
