is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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