I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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