They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
