I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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