Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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