well I can't set my house on fire every night
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
