Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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