i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
