my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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