he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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