do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
