...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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