so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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