took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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