My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
