i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
