Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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