I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
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It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
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I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Everyone says I win the strip club
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