I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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