separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
