I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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