the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
