no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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