census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
