I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why are your pants in the freezer?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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